Thursday, March 15, 2007

My God, we Red Sox fans are now officially Moonies...

I've heard that Baseball is a religion, and more so for some than others. People will often bring up Red Sox and Cubs fans, Yankees and Indians (but they never address those small cults on the West Coast...just kidding). But the following is a little too much, even for me -

According to the Sports Illustrated Web sites' "This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse" weekly feature, the current sign is this -

"Ben Affleck will narrate a DVD series that prepares infants and pre-school children to become Red Sox fans."

It begs certain questions like - what will the specials be on the DVD?

Learn to speak like a fan from Southie!
Learn important phrases that will get you immediate acceptance from the other bleacher creatures such as, "I'd nevah sit in the Monstah seats, too many Bahneys sit up theah."
or the ever popular, "Jetah sucks!"

Learn the face of 2004 playoff hero Dave Roberts so that you may fulfill your responsibility as a Sox fan in never allowing him to pay for another meal.

See the Dropkick Murphy's video for "Tessie."

Learn in a painfully long documentary, directed by Ken Burns and narrated by Ben Affleck, why the Sox started playing "Sweet Caroline" during the seventh inning stretch.

See the Red Sox help Dora get to her destination while having to cross the lake filled with the evil Yankees!

DVD interactive features include games to help your child improve their spelling, exposing them to names like Varitek, Okajima, Youkilis, Papelbon, Matsuzaka, and many, many more!

The DVD case is a mock-up courtesy of my wife. The news is real, but the stuff after qualifies as my own sarcastic take on the thing. I'm anxious to hear the titles - I like "Horton Hears a Homer - raising your kid to be a Red Sox fan with Sox-Nation lifer Ben Affleck" or, "All Big Papi's Children."

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