A look at the Pats for the remainder of the season...
Player The theory
2 Flutie – QB Will be converted to free-safety, brutalizes Brandon Stokely in a playoff rematch, picks off Manning three times.
4 Vinatieri – K Vinatieri will make his first pro-bowl as a punter – see below
8 Miller – P Will be injured in freak punting accident, with no room left under the cap Vinatieri will be expected to punt
12 Brady – QB Pilots the Flying Elvii to another Super Bowl
16 Cassel – QB Continues to excel at clipboard holding
18 A. Davis – WR Continues to be cut and resigned because, hey, it's just something that Belichick likes to do
21 Gay – CB IR
22 Samuel – CB Loses starting job to Troy Brown but excels in nickel coverage
23 Starks – CB IR
24 Stone – S Due to injuries ends up spending the occasional down at D-tackle in the 4-3, ends up leading the team in sacks
25 Hawkins – CB Plays in two games before landing on IR for the season
26 Wilson – S Loses starting job to Doug Flutie, but is still in the safety rotation
27 Hobbs – CB Begins to show something on the other side of the ball as he plays at wide out when Troy Brown is winded from playing D
28 Dillon – RB Loses starting job to Evans, but becomes the most punishing third down back in the league
29 G. Scott – S IR
30 C. Scott – CB IR
32 Poteat – CB Soon to be dubbed Saint Hank by the fans for his ability to continually come off the street and help the Pats defensive backfield
33 Faulk – RB Out. Upon return, Mike Cloud is cut
34 Cloud – RB Upon Faulk's return, gets cut
35 Pass – FB Tweaks other hamstring in freak bowling accident, is put on the Injured – non-football list ending season
36 Sanders – S Sorry, got nothing here....
37 Harrison – S IR
38 Poole – CB IR
44 Evans – FB Becomes the Pats own “Monster of the Midway” as he tramples opponents with a vengeance. Feels only marginally bad about stepping on Zack Thomas's head in Jan 1 game in Foxboro.
47 Claridge – LB IR
50 Vrabel - LB In what Belichick dubs his Flex-defense, Vrabel ends up playing every position on the defensive side of the ball so that offenses never know where he is coming from
51 D. Davis – LB In an effort to spark a floundering offense the linebacker/safety is used as a wing-back in the old wing-T formation, scores two Tds
52 Beisel – LB In a freak accident with one of the stadium consessionaires, ends up sold to a memorabilia shop owner and is never seen on the field again
53 Izzo – LB After the season is arrested in a case of mistaken identity, and is tried as a Kennedy in a rape case. Is eventually acquitted as Lar-Lar.
54 Bruschi – LB Loses comeback player of the year award to Joey Galloway, to which he responds, “what the fu....?”
55 McGinnest - LB Breaks other hand, just starts clubbing people with the cast – trainers cringe.
58 Chatham – LB Tired of Chatham, MA jokes about his name gets in a barroom brawl with a couple of townies in Plymouth. Judge throws case out.
59 Colvin – LB Looks at the injured list, is heard to mutter, “the horror, the horror...”
61 Neal – OL Is kicked out of playoff game against the Colts for putting Corey Simon in a full nelson, inspires teammates to play more physical
64 Mruczkowski – OL Gets signed, gets released, gets signed, gets released, gets signed gets released....no this is not Lou Merloni.
66 Paxton – OL When Vinatieri kicks the game winner against the Colts to clinch the AFC, runs into the endzone at the RCA dome and makes snow angels in the beer bottles chucked on the field by upset fans.
67 Koppen – OL IR
68 Ashworth – OL Splits time with Gorin, asked to take some reps at corner, “just in case”
70 Mankins – OL In a moment of coaching genius, ends up swapping positions with Wilfork. Improvement is seen on both sides of the ball.
71 Hochstein – OL On an episode of PTI proves once and for all that he can indeed block Wilbon and Kornheiser
72 Light – OL Out. Returns to find has lost job to Kazcur, works out at center for rest of season, backing up Hochstein
75 Wilfork – DL See Mankins
76 Gorin – OL Solidifies hold on position, but continues to split time with Tackle/Corner Ashworth
77 Kazcur – OL Improvement continues, forcing Light to learn a new position when he finally returns from the broken leg.
80 T. Brown – WR Becomes the shutdown corner Belichick was looking for, leads team with Int's
81 B. Johnson – WR In a brief moment of candor, calls Mr. Rogers a punk. Redeems himself with families everywhere by scoring the game winning TD on a kick return in the Super Bowl
82 Graham – TE Comes back from injury to find that he may have to occassionally play linebacker because who knows where the linebackers will be playing
83 Branch – WR Lost for season while playing TE for the injured Graham. “I just play where coach tells me to,” he says after game.
84 Watson – TE Secretly thinks about Graham “better him than me”
86 Dwight – WR In the absence of Branch, and with Brown playing defense, becomes the Patriots go-to receiver along with Givens
87 Givens – WR Is seen in the locker room looking at the Cliff Notes version of the injury list, is heard to mutter....who's that? I don't know him either. When did he get signed?
88 Fauria – TE Confuses days, misses 2nd Jets game of season, nobody notices, is cut in the offseason.
90 Klecko – DL In what Belichick calls his Big Beef Package, goes strictly to offense as Evans' full time blocking back
91 Hill – DL Finishes season healthy, lost for playoffs due to fight with Dolphins linemen over bad “playing without a sense porpoise” pun
93 Seymour – DL Changes nickname from Big Sey to Shawna – worries teammates
94 Warren – DL Is seen in the locker room at one point clicking the heels of his cleats and repeating, “there's no place like Texas, there's no place like Texas...”
95 Banta-Cain – LB One night after practice Roman Phifer kidnaps Banta-Cain, poses as him for remainder of season. Coaches take note of improved play and are pleased with their own ability to get more out of Banta-Cain
97 Green – DL Plays more regularly as the team moves to more exotic line sets. Often lines up over the wideout and rushes the QB from there
98 C. Brown – LB Retires after season citing “too much weird shit happening on the field...anyone seen Monty?”
99 Wright – DL Somehow ends up on the Wheaties box despite being deactivated for the Super Bowl.
Stumble It!
